which religion has the best retirement plan?

the following may offend virgins, 2nd councilors, Muslims, Mormons and people with no sense of humour...



Good morning brothers and sisters,

I'm grateful to be here on this most staggering sabbath-like occasion. You know I was walking down the road the other day, true story, innocently minding my own business, as we boulevardier types are want to do, and one of these freaks, I think we call them councillors approaches me. We're all brothers and sisters right, so I play along. Hello brother so and so hows the old the watcha madosie thinga majig. This sets him off, he tells me all about the intricacies of mowing his lawn, his shoddy investment deals, his son on a mission and his other son who's got 5-10 for armed robbery and his life dedicated to becoming a chartered accountant. You can't fault the man's small talk skills, he had me right were he wanted me and I was totally oblivious.

One minute we're discussing the wonders of compound interest the next I'm holding a white envelope in my hand (which whiteness was above that of all that I ever before I had seen). By the way you don't mind being the final speaker this Sunday now do you. Do you a lot of good, plenty of blessings and all that, well all the best I'll be on my way. I had know idea, none. If I pass out from sheer inability to live up to the task at hand please bear with me, I had a difficult childhood and Sister Robins is glaring at me in an intensely unsettling way. And I'm profoundly grateful to the bishopric for this assignment. Thank you, thank you.

*waffles for five more minutes*

Thanks again. Today I've been assigned to speak on the topic: "Which religion has the best retirement plan." Where do you begin with something like that ,I mean we all know the answer already. Am I right? Huh? That's what I thought too then I started doing a little digging. It's funny, it's like the bishop really new what I needed to focus on at this point in my life. Lets begin with Islam. Now here's a religion with some real, how shall I say, big kahunas. I mean 72 virgins. 72!?! Each!?! Gentlemen I believe we have a winner...

...to be continued

beautiful paradox: an interlude in "Why is God a Fractal?"

Look at him, what a seedy character. He's got a goatee and a sequined t-shirt. He must be less active (8 out 10 subjects responded in this way).

What is this guy a hippy or something, don't these dudes know we're supposed to stay clean shaven?Oh, right, sorry Jesus.

The Weightier Matters, Sort Of:

In part 2 I came to the conclusion that looks matter, it turns out they also don't. Ugly, hairy, beautiful, bald as a babies bottom, it doesn't really matter; what does matter when assessing our character is the advice God gave to the Prophet Samuel when he (Samuel) was looking for an heir to the throne of Israel: "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 

I'm also reminded of a quote from the movie Blood Diamond:

Benjamin Kapanay: "My heart always told me that people are inherently good. My experience suggests otherwise. But what about you, Mr. Archer? In your long career as a journalist, would you say that people are mostly good?"

Danny Archer: "No , I'd say they're just people."

We're born with the equal potential for good or bad, it's not clear if our appearance reveals with any degree of accuracy what choices we've made throughout our lives. It's probably best, then to withhold any definitive judgement of others -- making judgements on a provisional basis is probably reasonable --  be the best we can personally and let God take care of the rest.

speak with a new tongue

With all the elections and sloganeering in recent times (yes, NZ had one this year too) "change" has been adopted as the key buzzword of a new zeitgeist. What's so good about change and why do we all want some? Economies are crumbling around us as we speak; Our current and projected future results aren't especially promising: possibly a new great depression, unnecessary wars, continued terrorism and the polar ice caps melting. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is one definition for insanity. All things considered righting the ship seems like a good idea.

Macro change begins with micro change. Global effects are generated by combinations of individual decisions. Anonymous as always has something to say about the matter: "When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world." And thus we see that fighting the ills of the world begins with self-mastery (that's what people tell me, theoretically it sounds right, when I get there I'll let you know).

A fair while back a woman named Sariah sat marooned in the middle of the desert in her old husband's tent and had a giant sized whinge. Lehi, her husband, led her and the family away from their well-to-do lifestyle in Jerusalem and set up camp in the inhospitable wilderness. After a three day trip out from the big city Lehi received inspiration to send his sons back to Jerusalem to track down some old family records. The assignment was a potentially risky one, as the item they sought didn't exactly belong to them.

After a period of waiting, Sariah made her feelings about the matter known in no uncertain terms. Nephi records: "For she had supposed that we had perished in the wilderness; and she also had complained against my father, telling him that he was a visionary man; saying: Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness. And after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father" (Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 5:2 - 3, emphasis added). It's easy to dismiss Sariah's questioning as a lack of faith, this was a factor, but not the only one. Lest we judge her too harshly, it's important to remember a mother's love for her children, there are few things that can compete in intensity with the maternal instinct. Add to her imagined loss of her sons the thought of dying alone in the desert and we can in some measure appreciate her concerns. Why this excursion away from home only to have the youngest of the family return to Jerusalem? There were a number of valid questions just like there are today. Perhaps the Lord was getting the oldies out of harms way, before the quest for the brass plates began. God is not a fan of collateral damage. I'm not sure if giving these auxiliary issues more then cursory consideration robs these stories of their mythic resonance, what I do know is that patience is a virtue. Anecdotally speaking when I'm still on the inside and working on the outside good things happen.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Coming back to faith, Sariah's was strengthened upon the return of her sons, who were successful in their errand and a powerful change took place. A little success can go a long way "And she spake, saying: Now I know of a surety that the Lord hath commanded my husband to flee into the wilderness; yea, and I also know of a surety that the Lord hath protected my sons, and delivered them out of the hands of Laban, and given them power whereby they could accomplish the thing which the Lord hath commanded them. And after this manner of language did she speak" (Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 5:8, emphasis added). It took a miraculous act of deliverance, but Sariah's relationship with God fundamentally changed. And it was first manifested through the way she spoke, complaining gave way to praising. "Through small and simple things, are great things brought to pass." When we change, we change the way we speak, the way we carry ourselves the way we treat each other (wow, I think I'm chanelling Tupac) and I believe that true change comes when we let go over our egos and acknowledge that something bigger than ourselves exists out there, and then act upon it. Words are powerful things they allow us to make sense of the world and today the last ones go to two esteemed gentlemen, John Wooden, and Gandhi. "Failure may not be fatal, but failure to change might be." So,"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Stat Attack: The illusion of looking good

The invitation to home teach usually triggers a biochemical reaction that results in feelings of anxiety and accelerated onset of spiritual disquiet. Is this response justified or is it symptomatic of deficient spiritual moorings, a various minded vessel lost at sea, drifting gently toward hell? I usually visit half of my assigned families every other month. Statistically speaking that wouldn't even make for a semi-decent bating average in baseball, as home teaching goes it's woeful. To do worse then this would be to do nothing at all, but the oneupmanship doesn't end there, I could always fudge the results in my favour. It surprises me when the latter option is exercised. I've never indulged in this ignoble form of embellishment myself, I've got other pet foibles that keep me busy. The base assumptions in the phrase "in my favour" as it relates to "fudge the results" are cringe worthy if you adopt the position that performing yoga with the truth to preserve or enhance your reputation amongst your fellows is an inappropriate behaviour. Shakespeare said of reputation a long time ago, (through the character Cassio speaking to Iago): "Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial. My reputation, Iago, my reputation!" On a spectrum of importance where does (the appearance of) good standing in society fall? I feel a long series of posts coming on...

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

My most enduring memory of this great apostle was from the 2007 November conference. He was giving a talk on charity, and could barely stand as he did so. Elder Nelson recognized Elder Wirthlin's struggle and stepped up to the podium to support him while he finished his speech.

Charity is a two way act, there is a giver and receiver. Elder Wirthlin displayed charity to us in fulfilling his assignment under trying circumstances, and was a recipient of Elder Nelson's charity also. It was a moving image, indicative of the way we should treat one another.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I'm grateful that for a time we were given Elder Wirthlin, to share in his love and example; but all good things must come to an end and after a life of service he has been taken back home to his God. God speed Joseph, you will be missed.

bushido

I recently re-watched the Last Samurai and it reminded me of an ad hoc lesson that I put together once for my young men. It was based around one of the many analogies of dubious distinction that emerge around the periphery of Mormonism, we like those, but if the shoe fits, that means you get to marry Cinderella.

Eastern culture has always fascinated me, I think early exposure to really badly dubbed Kung Fu movies is where the love affair began. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to be a Buddhist monk at Shaolin Temple, and later, after I discovered Akira Kurosawa, I thought I could have been a passable Samurai in feudal Japan. Fate had other plans, sanity prevailed, and I ended up here, a denizen of the 21st century.

As I reflect on what could have been, I'm reminded of the old Samurai ways and see certain parallels to gospel living. I wont expand on them too much, but here's a little sample, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. A Samurai dedicated himself totally to his training, the alternative was death (usually at the hands of another swordsman) which is always a good motivator. We are engaged in a battle with spiritual death on the line, in order to be victorious we would do well to emulate the discipline of these ancient warriors.

The piety of the Samurai toward his master was above reproach. The life of a retainer was typified by absolute loyalty and service to their master. The Bushi would literally give their lives in defence of their lords (or end them if they failed to do so). Now that's what I call commitment. Am I endorsing oibara or seppuku? No, but if you want a measure of dedication, this one's hard to beat.

Why is God a Fractal 3.

As we venture further into the unknown speculative recesses of my internal imaginative flux, we will first look at the decision making process for all sentient creation from a bottom-up perspective before we take a god's-eye-view (mainly because I find it difficult to conceptualise what the latter would entail). When we last left this topic we spoke of monkeys. I just can't help myself.

It's been said that a million monkeys typing for a million years would at some point reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. An astute commentator observed that with the advent of the internet this notion has been proven false, but just imagine if they did, would it mean anything?
I think it was Camus who used a similar example to tease out how we go about creating meaning for ourselves in life. Some dude lives forever and reproduces the Iliad or the Odyssey, can we say that this event has any merit, given that on an infinite timeline it's inevitable that someone would produce an identical work (I guess it depends on how much you like Homer). Looking at things on a mortal scale, because we're working with a literal deadline -- whether we like to acknowledge it or not -- we face the prospect of being limited in what we can do for purely practical reasons. This makes our choices (like writing an epic poem) a lot more meaningful, because they are now subjected to some form of prioritization, which in all likely hood isn't arbitrarily driven. Our discriminating tastes come into play using the time we have in whatever way we see fit. Like the old saying goes "time is what stops everything from happening at once." We may want it all and want it now, but conditions don't favour the disciples of instant gratification here. We're left to make our way in the world slowly but surely one decision at a time. How we go about choosing is a whole 'nother can of worms that I'll deal with later, the why (as in why our choices matter) will have to do for now.

Sorry eternal monkeys your efforts seen through this paradigm don't amount to much. The limitations of mortality open the way for meaning to mean something. However, when we open our scope and include God in the domain, unfortunately this model doesn't fit. God is an infinite being who does far more then write about heroes with tragic flaws, he makes them. Which doesn't bring us any closer to the celestial selection system. Perhaps I've been asking the wrong question, Why is God a fractal isn't big enough, it's just a less general version of why is there something instead of nothing?

next: extrapolations that could lead to a resolution of the mysteries of the universe, but probably not.

Manhood, Mormon style

Donny Osmond threatens to make a man out of me

If there's one thing I like doing here it's recycling old journal entries...

I woke up one day this week and decided I wanted to be a man. This was surprising news to everyone. Vince Lombardi (of the green bay packers) said: " winning isn't a sometime thing, it's an all the time thing. You don't win once in a while, you don't do things right once in a while, you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit, unfortunately so is losing." Substitute winning for man or manhood and you'll get some idea of how I felt. Do I wake up some days and think, you know what I don't feel like being a man today? Sure, happens all the time. I don't exactly say those words but my actions reflect that thought process: I don't feel like waking up early or doing the dishes or being nice to people or whatever. Lehi reminded his wayward sons " arise from the dust my sons and be men and be determined in one mind and one heart united in all things, that you may not come down into captivity." The saviour gives us an understanding of what true manhood is... asked:" what manner of men ought ye to be?" & answered: "Even as I am." Remember manhood isn't a some time thing it's an all the time thing. So what are you waiting for? Be a man.

An addendum, the attributes of manhood:

1 THOUGH I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
(New Testament 1 Corinthians 13:)