interview with the bible

your host: Welcome to Tough Talk.


Bible: Thnk y.


your host: Please, in English.


Bible: Verily.


your host: How 'bout we go colloquial, we don't want to confuse anyone.


Bible: Ah, so you're asking for clarity, my specialty don't worry yourself about it. I'll speak in the most simplistic language I can muster.


your host: It's interesting that you should say that. For a collection of writings dedicated to breaking the world down (especially moralistically) into simple conceptual categorizations of black and white, interpretations of your content have been, at best, varied, which points to a lack of clarity in my estimation, how do you respond to this?


Bible: People are peculiar creatures, they see and believe what they want to. These vagrant interpretations that you allude to can in some cases be attributed simply to prejudices of perhaps influential individuals throughout history, which views over time have been adopted into the wider culture of worship. The teachings found herein need not be confusing at all, you need to go about things with the right spirit so to speak. I can offer advice but I'll need to invoke the King James English?

your host: Go ahead...

Bible: In 2 Peter 1:20-21 I say: "Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost." or, and this one I'm particularly fond of, from 2 Timothy 3:16 " All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness."

your host: I realize that your content, for believers, are all direct revelations from God, the Song of Solomon notwithstanding, but the thing that trips up many people is verifying whether or not that claim is true. There has to be some kind of test outside of the bible itself which can substantiate the quote unquote truth within it. Accepting the authority of the Bible strictly as a brute fact seems to go above and beyond the reasonable limits of faith into something new and well perhaps dangerous.

You touched on the Holy Ghost which I'm sure will have some bearing on the the whole process, but there's something else I'd like to focus on for the moment. I'm glad you brought up the manner of your transcription, because that leads us into another well documented controversy, namely the Documentary Hypothesis and the Synoptic Problem, did these (purported) holy men of God receive revelation directly from him, I'm talking about the Moseses and the Matthews, the Marks, and the Lukes; or is the Torah actually a compilation of unknown authors with enigmatic tags like J,E, D and H? Why are the first three gospels so similar?

Bible: Well Mr. Host, that's a very good many questions, I'll have to address the issue of the Holy Ghost which we're saving for later only because it impacts deeply on what we're discussing now. What we need to remember is that traditions are created by segments of society to introduce a semblance of order to chaos. As the philosophers say the natural state of humankind is "Nasty, brutish and short." It wasn't always that way, but over time things became unpleasant, which conditions were undesirable, so individuals and families banded together into clans which became tribes and so forth, practices were introduced to encourage unity and prosperity for the group. Traditions were passed on, some of them made it to the twenty first century (almost). In Christianity and Judaism one of these traditions is that Moses wrote the first five books of the old testament. Now for anyone interested in reading the bible it doesn't much matter who wrote what, from a historical perspective it's nice to know (and yes more than one author contributed to the Torah) but more important is what power or influence they wrote by. The Holy Ghost is not only the medium for receiving revelation, but for verifying it also. It takes time to learn to listen and understand its subtle language, but the only way to know what is true and what's not is to give it a try. Go on, it wont hurt.

your host: It all sounds very mystical, but I'll take that it into consideration. We'll be back after the break.

noble in defeat, solemn in victory

I like Nephi. Nephi is a stand-up bloke. You can learn a great deal about the world just by contrasting Nephi's approach to life, to that of his enemies. Take Laban for instance, after duping four young gentlemen out of their inheritance, a great abundance of gold and silver and precious things, he did what any red blooded male would do in his place, he painted the town red by getting absolutely off-his-face drunk.

This is instructive of course, don't go on a drinking binge after scoring it rich, it's not worth it. Guard yourself against ostentatious displays of arrogance in victory and all of that, every American football player alive would do well to learn from this, someone makes and tackle and celebrates like they just won the Superbowl, it's all just a little sickening. But I digress... With sobriety as a top priority we can't even conceive of Nephi doing anything that would come close to getting him tipsy, sure he'd chop a guys head off, impersonate his own uncle and misappropriate ancient records carved in precious metal, but we can't really begrudge him any of this can we? Laban had it coming, and besides when it comes to the fruits of the Spirit (the entity that gave our hero a little nudge) against such there is no law.

When Nephi got his prize - the plates - he didn't hoot and holler or get on the grog, he simply walked for three days back to his dad's tent, where the group said their thank yous and made their sacrifices to the God of Israel and then got on with their lives. I like that even keeled approach, don't get too high when the gettings good, don't get too low when you hit a road bump. Whatever happens, you just keep on trucking. Sure there's a time to laugh and cry and dance, there is a season turn, turn, turn, you just gotta pick your spots and know when to say when. Therefore, let us be cautious in the ways we celebrate our perceived victories, be like Nephi, be wise O what can I say more.

and it came to pass that I was thinking...

Hi my name's Loren and I'm sharing a wonderful message today about how Austar can change your life. It just doesn't feel the same for some reason. Perhaps in a(n) (misguided) effort to recapture the glory days of my mission I've taken it upon myself to become a door to door salesman, canvasing any and everyone who'll listen in an attempt to sell cable or satellite TV. Does the world really need more TV watchers? Anyway wasn't tracting the worst part of missionary work? Temperatures in excess of thirty degrees, 99% humidity and I'm thinking it's time to rethink my little trip down memory lane. In this heat nostalgia doesn't feel so good.

With the litany of abandoned projects that I've accumulated over the years I often wonder where it's all headed. What is the narrative that I've weaving through my conscious and unconscious choices. Nothing rouses my faculties like thinking about the meaning of life, particularly the meaning of my life. At times I feel as if I should be working towards some kind of unifying design with the world. That somehow it is my privilege to raise humanity, by for once reaching out beyond myself. Another part of me says, leave saving the world to Jesus that's his job. We all have our jobs, mine is at Austar at present, but I feel that there's something else, it just hasn't quite taken shape in my mind yet. The good thing about Jesus is he isn't greedy and he isn't a glory hog either. He'll let me help save the world if I want, I just don't know how. Any ideas?

which religion has the best retirement plan?

the following may offend virgins, 2nd councilors, Muslims, Mormons and people with no sense of humour...



Good morning brothers and sisters,

I'm grateful to be here on this most staggering sabbath-like occasion. You know I was walking down the road the other day, true story, innocently minding my own business, as we boulevardier types are want to do, and one of these freaks, I think we call them councillors approaches me. We're all brothers and sisters right, so I play along. Hello brother so and so hows the old the watcha madosie thinga majig. This sets him off, he tells me all about the intricacies of mowing his lawn, his shoddy investment deals, his son on a mission and his other son who's got 5-10 for armed robbery and his life dedicated to becoming a chartered accountant. You can't fault the man's small talk skills, he had me right were he wanted me and I was totally oblivious.

One minute we're discussing the wonders of compound interest the next I'm holding a white envelope in my hand (which whiteness was above that of all that I ever before I had seen). By the way you don't mind being the final speaker this Sunday now do you. Do you a lot of good, plenty of blessings and all that, well all the best I'll be on my way. I had know idea, none. If I pass out from sheer inability to live up to the task at hand please bear with me, I had a difficult childhood and Sister Robins is glaring at me in an intensely unsettling way. And I'm profoundly grateful to the bishopric for this assignment. Thank you, thank you.

*waffles for five more minutes*

Thanks again. Today I've been assigned to speak on the topic: "Which religion has the best retirement plan." Where do you begin with something like that ,I mean we all know the answer already. Am I right? Huh? That's what I thought too then I started doing a little digging. It's funny, it's like the bishop really new what I needed to focus on at this point in my life. Lets begin with Islam. Now here's a religion with some real, how shall I say, big kahunas. I mean 72 virgins. 72!?! Each!?! Gentlemen I believe we have a winner...

...to be continued

beautiful paradox: an interlude in "Why is God a Fractal?"

Look at him, what a seedy character. He's got a goatee and a sequined t-shirt. He must be less active (8 out 10 subjects responded in this way).

What is this guy a hippy or something, don't these dudes know we're supposed to stay clean shaven?Oh, right, sorry Jesus.

The Weightier Matters, Sort Of:

In part 2 I came to the conclusion that looks matter, it turns out they also don't. Ugly, hairy, beautiful, bald as a babies bottom, it doesn't really matter; what does matter when assessing our character is the advice God gave to the Prophet Samuel when he (Samuel) was looking for an heir to the throne of Israel: "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 

I'm also reminded of a quote from the movie Blood Diamond:

Benjamin Kapanay: "My heart always told me that people are inherently good. My experience suggests otherwise. But what about you, Mr. Archer? In your long career as a journalist, would you say that people are mostly good?"

Danny Archer: "No , I'd say they're just people."

We're born with the equal potential for good or bad, it's not clear if our appearance reveals with any degree of accuracy what choices we've made throughout our lives. It's probably best, then to withhold any definitive judgement of others -- making judgements on a provisional basis is probably reasonable --  be the best we can personally and let God take care of the rest.

speak with a new tongue

With all the elections and sloganeering in recent times (yes, NZ had one this year too) "change" has been adopted as the key buzzword of a new zeitgeist. What's so good about change and why do we all want some? Economies are crumbling around us as we speak; Our current and projected future results aren't especially promising: possibly a new great depression, unnecessary wars, continued terrorism and the polar ice caps melting. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is one definition for insanity. All things considered righting the ship seems like a good idea.

Macro change begins with micro change. Global effects are generated by combinations of individual decisions. Anonymous as always has something to say about the matter: "When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world." And thus we see that fighting the ills of the world begins with self-mastery (that's what people tell me, theoretically it sounds right, when I get there I'll let you know).

A fair while back a woman named Sariah sat marooned in the middle of the desert in her old husband's tent and had a giant sized whinge. Lehi, her husband, led her and the family away from their well-to-do lifestyle in Jerusalem and set up camp in the inhospitable wilderness. After a three day trip out from the big city Lehi received inspiration to send his sons back to Jerusalem to track down some old family records. The assignment was a potentially risky one, as the item they sought didn't exactly belong to them.

After a period of waiting, Sariah made her feelings about the matter known in no uncertain terms. Nephi records: "For she had supposed that we had perished in the wilderness; and she also had complained against my father, telling him that he was a visionary man; saying: Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness. And after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father" (Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 5:2 - 3, emphasis added). It's easy to dismiss Sariah's questioning as a lack of faith, this was a factor, but not the only one. Lest we judge her too harshly, it's important to remember a mother's love for her children, there are few things that can compete in intensity with the maternal instinct. Add to her imagined loss of her sons the thought of dying alone in the desert and we can in some measure appreciate her concerns. Why this excursion away from home only to have the youngest of the family return to Jerusalem? There were a number of valid questions just like there are today. Perhaps the Lord was getting the oldies out of harms way, before the quest for the brass plates began. God is not a fan of collateral damage. I'm not sure if giving these auxiliary issues more then cursory consideration robs these stories of their mythic resonance, what I do know is that patience is a virtue. Anecdotally speaking when I'm still on the inside and working on the outside good things happen.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Coming back to faith, Sariah's was strengthened upon the return of her sons, who were successful in their errand and a powerful change took place. A little success can go a long way "And she spake, saying: Now I know of a surety that the Lord hath commanded my husband to flee into the wilderness; yea, and I also know of a surety that the Lord hath protected my sons, and delivered them out of the hands of Laban, and given them power whereby they could accomplish the thing which the Lord hath commanded them. And after this manner of language did she speak" (Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 5:8, emphasis added). It took a miraculous act of deliverance, but Sariah's relationship with God fundamentally changed. And it was first manifested through the way she spoke, complaining gave way to praising. "Through small and simple things, are great things brought to pass." When we change, we change the way we speak, the way we carry ourselves the way we treat each other (wow, I think I'm chanelling Tupac) and I believe that true change comes when we let go over our egos and acknowledge that something bigger than ourselves exists out there, and then act upon it. Words are powerful things they allow us to make sense of the world and today the last ones go to two esteemed gentlemen, John Wooden, and Gandhi. "Failure may not be fatal, but failure to change might be." So,"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Stat Attack: The illusion of looking good

The invitation to home teach usually triggers a biochemical reaction that results in feelings of anxiety and accelerated onset of spiritual disquiet. Is this response justified or is it symptomatic of deficient spiritual moorings, a various minded vessel lost at sea, drifting gently toward hell? I usually visit half of my assigned families every other month. Statistically speaking that wouldn't even make for a semi-decent bating average in baseball, as home teaching goes it's woeful. To do worse then this would be to do nothing at all, but the oneupmanship doesn't end there, I could always fudge the results in my favour. It surprises me when the latter option is exercised. I've never indulged in this ignoble form of embellishment myself, I've got other pet foibles that keep me busy. The base assumptions in the phrase "in my favour" as it relates to "fudge the results" are cringe worthy if you adopt the position that performing yoga with the truth to preserve or enhance your reputation amongst your fellows is an inappropriate behaviour. Shakespeare said of reputation a long time ago, (through the character Cassio speaking to Iago): "Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial. My reputation, Iago, my reputation!" On a spectrum of importance where does (the appearance of) good standing in society fall? I feel a long series of posts coming on...

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

My most enduring memory of this great apostle was from the 2007 November conference. He was giving a talk on charity, and could barely stand as he did so. Elder Nelson recognized Elder Wirthlin's struggle and stepped up to the podium to support him while he finished his speech.

Charity is a two way act, there is a giver and receiver. Elder Wirthlin displayed charity to us in fulfilling his assignment under trying circumstances, and was a recipient of Elder Nelson's charity also. It was a moving image, indicative of the way we should treat one another.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I'm grateful that for a time we were given Elder Wirthlin, to share in his love and example; but all good things must come to an end and after a life of service he has been taken back home to his God. God speed Joseph, you will be missed.